when stuck feels scary

I know the biology of this article. I understand intellectually that being ‘action oriented’ is indeed the way I have navigated stress, trauma, undiagnosed physical and neurodivergent traits. And so on and on and on.

But that doesn’t seem to stop my frustration each time it rolls around. This is my site, and my writing, after all… I might as well just give myself the space to write about it, and maybe to find someone that feels the same way?

I guess it makes me giggle to match up with cat energy right now?

I feel stuckness with a sense of panic. I am used to my brain being either my best friend, or worst enemy. So when it goes quiet, when it’s out of ideas or even self critical thoughts, I am instantly on alert.

And this isn’t the refreshing quiet of a walk, or bout of yoga, or calm on the beach. This is the quiet of “what on earth am I thinking/ feeling/ doing and WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NEXT?”.

There’s almost always an emphasis on the future, on what’s upcoming, or where I’m headed next. It’s not always clear.  That’s more or less my point. It’s not clear. I don’t know why it’s showing up in my body or brain or mood. Just that Quiet. With an ominous edge to it, like something is lurking and going to drop on me at any moment.

I think that’s a key here. I’ve had waves of time where things just.kept.happening. Where one bad thing after another hit, and it was impossible to catch my breath. I think, in trauma and grief, that this is inevitably the case. That eventually, we come to doubt that things will ever settle down, and allow some choice. Some consent.

After all, the things that have changed my life most dramatically happened to me, not with my consent.

Consent is a big deal to me, and likely for this reason alongside all the others. That when life happens to you, it becomes ever more important to understand what you are choosing for yourself and why when given the opportunity. But man oh man, this process can be exhaustive. And my brain, this tricky, wily, exasperating, beautiful mind of mine, wants to pour over every detail. It wants to be an expert. I want to be an expert in things before I take a leap, before I make a choice.

And here we are, probably full circle, eh? I’m in an exhaustive season of visible change. I am reaching for things I’d never dared dream of, for myself. This time, it’s personal, and I’m choosing it even as I’m scared.

So for someone action oriented, who also wants to be a freaking expert in all the things she chooses, of course my brain would get tired. Ha. Of course it’s going to be ready to just get a little stuck, a little slow: to enforce the rest I am otherwise not doing the best job of supplying myself.

Chani (Home | CHANI) mentioned in my reading this week : It may just be a week of chicken wire and spackle. In other words, to just deal with one thing at a time. It’s really quite annoying when the answer is to stay where I am. To learn to be in the mess, in the discomfort, in the dread for a little while longer. To do my rituals, to stay still.

Do you find wisdom in any traditions that settle you when you’re feeling stuck and wound in your body? In your mind and heart? How do they serve you?

Heh this cat just spoke to my neurodivergent brain. I feel ya buddy, I really do.